Mathias John - Athletes in Motion Podcast

Narrator: 0:10

Welcome to the athletes in motion podcast from race to recovery. With your hosts, Tom regal and Kenny Bailey

Tom Regal: 0:28

Hey, Kenny, how

Kenny Bailey<br>: 1:13

you doing? I'm doing fantastic. Tom, how are you?

Tom Regal: 1:15

I am fantastic, as well. And we're stepping up. We're in an actual studio. This time. We're with Matthias John, who is joining us to talk about his life. He's a musician, a studio designer, triathlete author. We're gonna talk about all of those types of things. As we go through. First off, I want to make sure we mentioned that you got to subscribe, hit the scribe subscribe button. Thumbs up all the good comments and all that stuff that helps the algorithms and and gets us out there a little bit further. So we appreciate all of that. So Messias got a great story. We've got stuff to talk about. We talked about inspiring stories, and overcoming odds and going through things. And you have quite a story. And you've written you've written a book about it even better much, which which we're going to talk a lot about as well. But give us your background and your challenges and what you've been going through. Sure.

Mathias John: 2:08

Yeah. Empathize. John, been in Nashville since 2011. grew up around the suburbs of Chicago. So northern or by heart, been in Nashville a bit. And this is most certainly home. Yeah, I moved here to pursue music to pursue engineering, I want to be producer engineer. I went to school for audio engineering previously, right before I made the jump here, I had an internship at a studio. And it was just doing that was that that was the path that was the new thing that I was going to do. Prior to audio engineering, I studied architecture, and I practice architecture and suburbs of Chicago. So I kind of had that in my back pocket. I didn't want to use it, which my parents would hate to hear. I don't want to use that bachelor's degree. But it ended up coming in very useful. So about four months into my stay in that internship in Nashville and meeting my mentor, Steve heat, we're in his studio currently. And he was an engineer first then got into design acoustics. And I was a designer first and got to engineering. So we had footpaths to the design world, the studio design world. And so he was, you know, looking for someone to kind of carry on a lot of the knowledge and everything that he's built over, you know, a 50 year career. I was young and hungry and ready to do anything. So the first thing I did, first thing I did was Steve was actually hanging that door. Right there. Nice job by the construction of some construction. Yeah, still up. Yeah. And all these mic panels up on the walls. It's not at all those extras. Yeah. So we had to do you know, there was a year of this, this studio was kind of under construction. So I just did whatever he wanted me to do and just said yes, yeah, yeah, to get going. So one day, I sat down, I showed him my architectural portfolio. And I think something clicked in his head of oh, he was actually serious.

Tom Regal: 3:59

No, he really does. Yeah, so actually, they can drop for

Kenny Bailey<br>: 4:02

the uninitiated that are seeing and listening this when when you're talking about studios, are these studios for individuals? Are these studios for companies? Sure.

Mathias John: 4:11

It's all the above all the above? Yeah, we work with engineers, producers on any level. You know, we work with some of the biggest stars on the planet. And then a lot of these younger up and coming that we want, we just look at them have good conversation. We're like, man, we believe that you're gonna get somewhere in the next 10 years. They both get different scopes. But yeah, it goes all over the place. We've worked with a lot of corporations too. So I'd say 80% of our work is studio design specifically, but the principles acoustics kind of translate in a different areas. So some corporate work. Yeah, you know, just for your national right. So you're more natural. Yeah. So I think we're discussing how about 50% of our jobs are local. Okay. The rest are all over the country. So we're in. We're in every time zone. Three different countries. We travel well

Kenny Bailey<br>: 5:00

So, for reference, if you look at Nashville, how many studios do you think are are currently running? Like,

Mathias John: 5:09

on this block? There's four. Yeah,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 5:13

so it's like hundreds, right? I mean, 1000s 1000s Yeah,

Mathias John: 5:16

at one time there was 3000. No kidding. Yeah, that was probably that was a good bit ago, probably before I got involved. Yeah. So yeah, they're everywhere. I mean, there's three Grammy winners on his alley. That's amazing

Kenny Bailey<br>: 5:28

alone. So it can range from anything from like, I think my daughter's next Taylor Swift. Can you put a studio in my basement to you know, I'm a major recording artists and I need a studio. Yes.

Mathias John: 5:38

Yeah. Or retired doctor? Yeah. Like, yeah, yeah, we worked with a couple of cardio surgeons that, you know, were into music while they were putting themselves through med school. And that's awesome. Come back around to it, or, you know, owners of TV stations that have kind of cashed out and they're ready to do something else. And it just the, the range is very, very wide, which is really fun. Because some artists know what they want. They've been in studios, they get that part. People that are new to it, we get to guide them a little more, that's more hand holding. So like, this is a compressor. This is a microphone, it will get down to that Yank if it needs to. So

Tom Regal: 6:13

and then a lot of the importance of that design is the vibe. Right? The artist needs a vibe to feel good to get their creative juices going. Get them going through critical loop sound and a good vinyl. Yeah.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 6:27

Could you design a 25 yard pool with audio in it? Possible? Yeah, that's what I want. I want to 25 yard pool lanes. Oh, do I want that to have acoustic in it? Yeah, that was stupid. Amazing. That would be amazing. I'm telling you. It's gonna be a whole nother niche market for

Tom Regal: 6:47

new Atmos.

Mathias John: 6:49

Most is an utmost but we just weren't geeked out. Yeah. Sorry about that. Yeah. So yeah, studio designs and good. Good. Yeah. So you know, that's, that's the day that's the day to day, we're sitting in a studio that we record. You know, not as much as we used to work stay pretty busy on design. We have a younger engineer producer who's using the steel watch. He's 23. And just now he's brilliant. She's composer, too. I mean, she does a lot of just amazing things. And cool. She's in here. She's got a mix on the board. Now. She's just like she's hitting it, which is really fun to see. Want to hear? Sure. Okay. I think it's on tape. Maybe after we're done.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 7:28

live right now? Yeah. What are you doing

Mathias John: 7:30

for taking this in there? Yeah. What does this one do? push some buttons around. Yeah. So I mean, that's been Yeah, it's been very good. career path has been, you know, you wouldn't have guessed it. But it's like most people in Nashville, how'd you end up here? And was this what you were thinking you were gonna do. And a lot of times, it's music, music brings a lot of people here. And then people were kind of music adjacent in a lot of ways. And so I've been able to say, really plugged into the community that I wanted to be a part of, I still can be a part of that. I'm just not recording engineering, it's more of being involved in the spaces that they work in, which is still, you know, probably even more fulfilling,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 8:08

well, and endures, right? Because you can look back and, you know, a decade and still see your designs that are that people are using. Yeah, it's

Mathias John: 8:15

kind of cool. Yeah. There's one project we're working on now that we've been working on for 10 years. Oh, no. So some people just take their time. That's a very, very unique one.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 8:26

So Tom mentioned, you know, challenges. So it sounds like alcohol was was Yeah,

Mathias John: 8:33

yeah. device of choice. It was definitely device choice. So that got its hooks in me a couple of years back pretty, pretty good. So I mean,

Tom Regal: 8:41

that's the music industry, I mean, and Nashville to drink

Mathias John: 8:45

and drink and check in town. There's a joke in recovery meetings that if there's a good party scene, there's a good recovery scene. And yeah, Nashville has got a great recovery scene. Go down on Broadway, and you figured out real quick. Yeah, there's a lot of people hitting it. So yeah, it was to me, I always I've always joked alcohol was kind of the one friend I brought with me from from Illinois, because I started fresh, right? So I was the only one of my friends or family that moved away.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 9:11

So So you got that loneliness. I

Mathias John: 9:13

kind of had that lonely. I didn't know anybody. I didn't know anybody. The only person I knew when I moved here was the manager, the recording studio. I never Oh, I live in a hotel for a long standing apartment. So just like packed up a car that was down here and drove down here. And so you know that that was a that was, you know, comforting for a little while. Sure. And, you know, as part of the it's just the social aspect, you're going to see bands, you're going to see out everyone drinks a lot. Not everyone but you know, that's part of the culture. Yeah. And so I slowed down a little when I met my wife, Jessie met her in 2015. So that kind of smoothed it out for a bit because, you know, it was like trying to, you know, when you're like the newlywed phase when you start doing right, yeah, like all about each other and you just want to be the best and you just, you do all that and then that works. Then that yeah, that It was a it was obviously, you know, one wonderful time. But, you know, that kind of started fading and I started to put way too much stock in being there 100% For her instead of still keeping what I moved here for. So like, instead of going out and still seeing people being social, I was like, No, I want to be there. When she gets home from work. I want to make dinner I want to be like, so I kind of let let a lot of myself go. This is all through therapy. I co wrote the book with my therapist, so I'm really into therapy. My wife's a therapist. I can't get away from it. Yeah. So a lot of what I'm saying now is stuff I've worked through. Yeah. And it's been shown to me, yeah, therapy. So what I basically did was I lost my sense of self early on in my relationship and early on in my marriage, because I was doing everything for her trying to be because that's what I thought in my head.

Tom Regal: 10:50

Yeah. Responsibility.

Mathias John: 10:54

Do you need to respect who you are as a person? So I ended up I started self medicating at home just like numbing out because to me, I was like, well, if I'm gonna sit here, am I as well because I'm doing it snowballs,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 11:08

pretty quickly. Yeah. So fortunately, it was. So give us a day where I mean, it started out what like, Oh, I'm just gonna, like, have a drink with and what was your What was your drink of choice? Was?

Mathias John: 11:20

It changed? Right? So it basically shifted based on how secretive I want it to be right? Like, hockey, like you want to, you know, Red flag number one is when you start to get sick when you say Yeah, wow, this is no you have like the bottles that are on the counter. And then one higher up, you know, that goes down quicker, but those bottles stay faithful. This is a sign for those listening. That's to me, it wasn't a sign. But you know, like you're in a different headspace when you start to move through it, but I was I mean, it bourbon was a thing whiskey. Just like, you know, whiskey rocks kind of thing. Yeah. Eventually it was all vodka because you're in your head. It's cleaner. Yeah. In your head. You're in your head. Yeah. But yeah, right. Yeah. So

Kenny Bailey<br>: 12:01

that it was like it was at a 9am kind of thing. Was it? Uh, it got there.

Mathias John: 12:05

Yeah, it was always a drink around the studio, like after we're done with the wrap up, wrap up. Oh, cocktail, whatever. You know, drink before she got home from work, drink during dinner, drink afternoon, she go to bed, another drink. And now it's done. You're at like five, six drinks at night? Yeah. And that's the beginning of my phase. Right? So that's like, early on. And this is like, this is part of the book where I have to there's a chapter in the book called and reality check. Yeah, cuz I start talking about when I became an alcoholic, and I had to be like, check myself in my writing. Yeah. I kept moving the date. And I'm like, No, that's still still not truthful. So it started way earlier than I, you know, want to actually admit. So, you know, once you start being secretive, and start hiding it, it just, it started to catch up with you. And there were a couple of times where it was like, alright, well, this is going too far. I'm not sure if it's a problem yet. And you start to like, work your way through it. And then eventually, it was like, we need to take breaks, like, month to month, like the longer the breaks. But what I found in my journey was the longer the break, the quicker I get back to where I was, and then further so if it was like a month

Kenny Bailey<br>: 13:15

slow, it's almost like a weight loss program, right? Where you tend to house and then gain 15.

Mathias John: 13:19

Right, exactly. Yeah, it's very similar. Yeah, if I took like a month off of drinking, it would take a month to get to a point where I was like, this is still a problem again, like I will use myself back and then the whole point of my breaks and drinking was to prove myself. Yeah, I proved everyone else like I think socially drink, right, stop at any target stuff anytime can get, right. Yeah. Yeah. Turns out it couldn't. So you know, that would go one direction. And then I had like a four month stint. That was my longest up until, you know, my bottom was like a four month break. And I thought I had it under control. And then, you know, I went out for a couple of years. And then I'd say within two weeks, it was like, Alright, now we need to do this again. Like it was two weeks now. Like it was real fast. And so all of it just started accumulating faster and faster. And you know, there were it was a two month span and 2021. That was like January or it's February. What was

Tom Regal: 14:13

the whole? Like, if you were to look at a timeline, how many years are we talking? So

Mathias John: 14:19

probably,

Tom Regal: 14:21

you said you got here in 11.

Mathias John: 14:22

I got here in 11. I met Jesse in 2015. I'd say 20. Late 2016 was probably one it was like sneaky, okay. But no one saw it. You know, like, yeah, like it was in your functional hive. I was very high functioning like, you know, my therapist says I'm one of the most high functioning she's ever seen. I'm like, I don't know if I'm proud of Yeah, that's something that you like, hang your hat on. Something. It's like, oof,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 14:50

I'm really good at hiding, right? Yeah, exactly. So

Mathias John: 14:53

I'd say 2016 is when it became a problem.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 14:57

And I don't mean to dwell on the problem, right? Because I'm trying to To articulate and let other folks know like, it's affecting what you're doing during the day, the priority becomes

Mathias John: 15:06

it's a priority thing. Yeah. Right. It doesn't it didn't affect what I was doing during the day. So I think the problem is when you're drinking and not wanting to admit that you are drinking kind of thing, like when when your sneak and you feel guilty about it. That's to me when like the problem kind of started, but it didn't affect my perform. I

Tom Regal: 15:25

never that's what made you high functioning.

Mathias John: 15:27

I've never missed anything working on trips, meetings, none. I didn't miss a deadline.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 15:32

So it wasn't as if you're sitting, you wake up on a curb.

Tom Regal: 15:36

It wasn't. It wasn't benders that you were disappearing off nap. No.

Mathias John: 15:39

I was I was still up in the morning working out. I was going eating healthy. I was like, I was at a pretty healthy weight. You know? And that's the thing that no one had any idea. Yeah. Like you were sitting. I'm, I've been here for 12 years with Steve roughly. And he never knew I was here. Like, yeah, literally right next to him in front of his face. Like yeah, and it was you just never had any idea. I was like, you just become like a puppet master and like, your life starts to revolve around it and like are if I do this, I can start to do this here. And like, it's very,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 16:12

I guess, the priority becomes Okay, well, if I do this, and I can get my drink then Right, right. Yeah. Okay, if I get back in time, then I can get you know, yeah, if I do this, you know, so you're negotiating

Mathias John: 16:21

yourself for absolutely no, gotcha. Yeah. And it's driving your schedule. Yeah. Yeah.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 16:25

Well, in Nashville is an interesting problem. To your point. It's not just the socialization and there's a lot of a lot of, you know, bars here and all that sort of stuff. But if you look at I mean, I was actually talking about, ironically, with a beer in my hand, let's but that's just so I was, you know, we were in a pool. We were talking and we were listening to country music, right. And it's like listening to the top 20 Countdown. It's like every single one has to do with whiskey, booze tagging. You know, I went out, you know, I got drunk last night. I mean, the whole culture is around. And I guess whiskey is a nice word, because you can rhyme everything with whiskey. Oh, yeah. It's got a beautiful I'm sure of everything. Yeah. But it's it's amazing. And you know, I was about ready to put a spreadsheet together go. I mean, how many times is the word whiskey? Booze drunk, you know? romantically? Right? As has been in those top 20 songs. And it's it's pervasive.

Mathias John: 17:13

Oh, it's probably 50% right now. Yeah.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 17:16

So you're fighting this culture of like, like you said, you're fighting this culture of socialization. You're fighting this culture. I bet you are cool. Right when you're drinking. Are you angry?

Mathias John: 17:24

Oh, no, I was I was for the most part. Very pleasant.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 17:27

Yeah. Yeah. So attached to pleasantly Yeah, yeah, it

Mathias John: 17:31

was like you're good. You feel good notice

Tom Regal: 17:33

if you weren't right, because you're a pleasant person to begin with. So is it now? Yeah, mostly. What's the swimming? We'll get to that way. Yeah.

Mathias John: 17:44

It's full of curse

Kenny Bailey<br>: 17:46

for everybody. That's a universal thing. Yeah. But yeah, so I mean that like the town it's all around social have fun. You know, the songs all around social have fun. Yeah, the romanticism of it. And then here you are fighting, you know, using the the wave analogy of swimming upstream against No, actually, this is detrimental to me. It's not

Mathias John: 18:04

in the weird thing is you don't think it is right. So I still thought it was giving me life for years. I'm like, this is still fun. Yeah. And like, I still look back on like, I still had a great time for a lot of it, like 90% of it, like fun. And but like the 10% Eventually that starts to outweigh. Yeah, you know, yeah, that but that doesn't click for a long time. So it would be like, Yeah, I'd love to go to industry events, because everyone else is doing what I want to do. Yeah, it's just like, great.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 18:30

Yeah. You want people to you know, have a drink in their hand. You figure what that?

Mathias John: 18:34

It's all. Yeah, it was it was real easy to keep going, I think because

Kenny Bailey<br>: 18:38

so what was the trigger point? What was that time you noticed that you said, I guess he came back? And it was like two weeks. You're already back in. But was there? I mean, what's the point? At some point you had there? You have a fork in the road? Yeah, at some point. Sure. You had to say this is this is enough.

Mathias John: 18:51

Yeah, there were two, I think. Yeah, like, and they were about a year apart. So it was April of 2020. That's when my wife found the bottles I was hiding. Ooh, keep in mind I did not think this was a problem at the time. Like what's those? Literally a closet alcoholic? Yeah, I had bottles in my closet in our so it might the bedrooms upstairs. And so I would go up to shower in the evening and come back down and I'd be way off like I'd be drastically different. And eventually that cut me my wife's not stupid, intelligent person. That was smart. That's really smart. Yeah. But in my mind, I got everything full. Again. Like just in a different head. It's no big deal, right? You're just gonna deal but that was I you know, I call that the vodka graveyard. She found it and I was here and she texted me like, hey, we need to talk tonight. Yeah, so that was April 20. And that started my small stint sets. I want I didn't want to call it sobriety. I think some varieties of good thing. I think this was just me not drinking. Yeah. You know, like there was no

Kenny Bailey<br>: 19:55

interesting there was a difference between not drinking my sobriety. That's a really great

Mathias John: 19:59

experience. difference and so I had no intention of quitting. It was just ALRIGHT. Let's press throttle back when I started therapy and I started therapy about eight months prior to that, okay, because I was self medicating. Yeah, yeah. So I went, and there was, you know, we were also out there was anxiety involved, like, we were starting to think about starting a family. And I didn't know I was, I was not processing that well. So I went into therapy with a couple of things to kind of work on and start to talk through. And then it became really specifically about six months, and it was like, Okay, now we know what the problem isn't. Yeah. And but So April 20. You know, that was when I started taking breaks. So it was like a month off, two months off, four months off, and then, you know, eight, and then April 21, is when I hit bottom and bottom for me was a car accident. Oh, okay. Yeah. So it could have been way worse. I'm extremely fortunate to be sitting here, really. So I got it. I was driving. It was the middle of the day. Drunk Driving. On my way home for the famous phrase, I'm gonna get home before this stuff hits me. Right? Yeah, we've heard people say that before. If you're saying that it's probably already hit you. Throw that out there. There's definitely like

Kenny Bailey<br>: 21:16

people who say that I'm drunk or like, No, you don't need to tell us we Yeah. I'm drunk.

Tom Regal: 21:22

We know. Hey,

Mathias John: 21:22

you're wearing it pretty good. Yeah. So I was it was actually masters weekend, which I'm a huge golf fan. So it's my favorite weekend of the year. It was a Thursday of masters weekend. So I was celebrating, obviously, as you do as I do, and this was a COVID time. So we actually had a site visit. And everyone's messed up. And so when everyone's messed up, no one's close to you. No one smelling anything. I started early, got my work done. And I was going home to watch the masters. Oh, well, that's gonna be a great afternoon and I was probably futzing on my phone fussing around with doing something. And I ended up causing a car wreck on an exit. I hit the car. It was a four car domino effect that I caused. Luckily, everyone walked away fine. Just grateful for that. Yeah. Also, I mean, it was obviously a terrible day. But it was also the day that everything clicked. I mean, I didn't have any consequence. Yeah, it just got real. Right. Yeah, I'll rephrase the consequence thing. My therapist makes me rephrase this. I have any legal consequences. Yeah. I mean, my marriage was definitely suffering. Yeah. You know, but yeah, that was the only relationship that was suffering.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 22:33

But this is acute and jarring. And this is one thing to slowly kill your marriage. Right? Yeah. There's one thing to have just an acute smack literally. Yeah,

Mathias John: 22:42

yeah. No, I don't remember the wake up call. Yeah, I mean, I blacked out because I the airbag went off. I got punched in the face. I was drunk and trauma. So you put those three together? They don't it doesn't mesh well for memories. And yeah, I do remember handcuffs, and do remember the back of a police car, go into hospital get my blood drawn. And, you know, I've never that was my first time I've ever been to jail. And first time I've ever been handcuffs. And everyone has different thresholds for bottom. Yeah. That was enough for me. Yeah, I'm grateful that it was all things when you start to get into recovery and go into rooms. That's a high bottom. One. One DUI is a very high bar. Most people in those rooms if they went the DUI route, they've had two or three. Well, so I got very lucky in that regard. But that was it. That was the the one that was the day. So that was April 9 21. Was that's my sobriety. Circle that on the calendar. Oh, yeah, that's, that's more important than my birthday. Yeah.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 23:38

So when did triathlons start entering the picture

Mathias John: 23:41

that started about six months after my sobriety.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 23:45

And what about it? It? Was it. The idea that just keep your mind off of it? Or was it a friend

Mathias John: 23:52

in the program? Really? Yeah. So you when you start when you get sober, you just do a bunch of things. And you're not, you don't want to do right. So you're like, you get involved, and you get a sponsor? And they're just like, Do this, do this, do this. And so someone's like, you need to go this recovery Treatment Center in Nashville and city on Thursday nights. I was like, that's like, 45 minutes away. And I got to cut out work early. That doesn't sound like something I want to do. Yeah, doesn't matter. Go. Yeah. You know, it's just like, you have to do it. And so I'd been going with a couple guys for couple months. And my buddy Chris is just like he just did the Chattanooga. Yeah, he did a full Oh, nice. And he's like, Hey, I'm thinking of getting into triathlons. You should do and I'm like, That sounds terrible. I don't own a bike. Yeah. And I haven't swims in 20 years. Yeah, this is a terrible idea. And it about sick. He wore me down six weeks. It took him he's like, I'm signing up for Chattanooga. This is such an added thing. We don't mind. Obviously. We struggle with moderation. Yep. We didn't sign up for a sprint or an Olympic. We signed up for 70.3 Yeah, so we don't go from like not having a bike. to signing up for a half. Okay.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 25:04

There's a good percentage of triathletes that are probably the recovering addicts or type a, you know, yeah, it's not if it's not epic, you know, I'm not.

Mathias John: 25:13

Yeah. I mean, it took a while, but he got me there. Yeah. And so I signed up and I found a coach just located just outside Denver. I got looped into her through a nutritionist in town. And so it was just kind of, okay, let's, let's give this thing a shot.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 25:31

How many months away? Was that half when is six months?

Tom Regal: 25:35

Six months? Four weeks? Yeah.

Mathias John: 25:40

She that's what she was. She was like, it's not the worst. It's not the best. Yeah, we can work with this. And it was because I was in good shape. Yeah, you were, I was. I was do a bunch of hit classes. Yeah. You know, shed fitness is one of my favorite spots in town. So I'd go there, like three or four times a week. I was in good shape. But I was also still 20 pounds heavier than I am now. Really? Yeah. And so the triathlon training started, you know, taking taken out a little different. Yeah, you

Kenny Bailey<br>: 26:07

go from sort of, well, high intensity, right, which is short burst energy to suddenly I have to go that's got to be for Oh,

Mathias John: 26:13

yeah. Oh, man, this is wild. But yeah, so I didn't think I'd ever do a triathlon. You know, like, I didn't ride run some half, half marathons before, but I've never been more than 13 miles. And so it was just like getting involved in the process. There's just a lot of parallels to recovery, in what way and triathlon like disciplines huge, right, where you just you have whether you want to do it or not. Get it done? Yeah. It doesn't have to be imperfection. Yeah, nobody. Sobriety looks perfect, right? We're all just trying to do the best we can. Your Workouts are not gonna be perfect, especially if you're new to it. You have no idea. You think you know what riding a bike is? No idea. No. Swimming? No. Like, all these things are so new to you. So there's so much humility in triathlon, because you have to accept like, Alright, I'm not going to be there. I'm not going to get this is where I'm at right now. And I just have to try to be better than I was yesterday. Yeah. And so there's a lot of that kind of,

Tom Regal: 27:09

and we talked about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Right. So you're on many levels. So I could see that I could see that relating was there pretty much. Absolutely.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 27:21

You know, you. Is there a frustration also that you have to kind of fight right. Like, because I mean, part of it. Yeah. You gotta be uncomfortable being uncomfortable. There's also frustration like this, you know, it's not coming quickly. Right? Yeah, that kind of thing. And that, I think, at times could be somewhat dangerous, right? Where it's like, Screw it. I'm just screw it. Right. Yeah. But because of that sobriety, or because you've made that choice to do that. I mean, hopefully, that sounds like that's the beacon you use to be able to do that. Yeah.

Mathias John: 27:50

And I think with sobriety, that will always, you know, get hopefully be the hardest thing that I've ever done, right? Yes, straightened out getting sober. So you can relate those things to that system. It's hard. It's not as hard as that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's definitely frustrations. But you, I think, yeah, going through the steps and work and all that will help you wrap your head around that. Yeah. Quicker than then many, I think, in some ways. And so yeah, the frustrations there. But you also mean, like, man, I've been frustrated before. And, and you also, you lean into gratitude a lot. And that's what I found so much in endurance training is like, I feel so connected when I'm just out running like Zone Two, you know, like, that is the spot. Yeah, where you're like, it's almost you get to a place where it's like meditation in motion where you can just like, go, Yeah, and you don't have to worry about it. And once you get to that point, you're like, Man, this, this kind of it may suck right now. Like, if you're on our two or whatever, like, Yeah, this is crappy. But at the same time, I'm so grateful to be able to do this. Yeah, at this moment in time. So when you start leaning in on that, which to me heavily stems from recoveries like, I'm grateful to be here today. Yeah. Because to me, I'm on my second shot. Like if I didn't accept that I was an alcoholic, and it didn't accept that I needed sobriety. I do not believe I would have made another four months. Like I was, I was so brave driving. Yeah. And the consumption was like, you know, it was it was going up real fast. It wasn't. This wasn't a linear chart. Yeah, like the logarithmic function. And it was like scary. It's scary when it got real scary and like, How did I not get it? But you don't? I mean,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 29:27

yeah, and that's, I think for triathlon, that's, that's what you try to some people, you know, they look at the, the pain of it, right? That lasts a long time. And that's all that sort of stuff, right? Swimming is my least experience area. But if I look back and I want to try to get mellow, I just remember the sound of you know, because we're out in the lake and it's just the sound of nothing out there and you hitting the water you're breathing and that meditative kind of feel Yeah, of all the three disciplines you know, I love biking the most so swimming is the one that I always look back on and go man when I when you hit that zone. If you can just kind of put it in cruise control. That's fun, right? It's not, it's not entirely suffering, you're not suffering, you know, like crazy. There are some leading moments in the middle. Yeah. Because I think we have this misconception also that, you know, it's all just, I'm going to suffer for hours. No, you just need to pace for hours. And some of its gonna be suffering other ones. You know, to your point, you look around going well, I mean, look what I'm doing. And I think

Tom Regal: 30:21

it's being in your own head. Yeah. Right. So this is this the challenge of? And I'm just saying in sport, yeah, you need to be on your own head and be comfortable being in your own head to be able to get yourself through it. And I think the grateful thing is perfect. I think that's what we try to talk to I try to get people to switch their, their thinking, I have to do this workout. It's like, no, no, I get to do this workout. Yeah. And that grateful part of it, I think is huge. So I've been, I guess, blessed to say that I've coached both of you swimming, because that's how I met. Matthias was actually so sorry, have a little bit of background on both of you in the pool. We're really just kind of swimming intervention. Yes, it's totally about. We need to work. Did you look at the videos I sent you? We need to talk about those. Just kidding. They went to junk. But yeah, but it's been it's been great that way, cuz that's how I got to know you. And then found out your story after that. And yeah, and it's been fantastic.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 31:16

Yeah. Yeah. And I think going back to sort of when you when you decided to make that choice, like that's it, you know, you know, to your point, it was a it was a pretty explosive, you know, literally moment. Yeah. Were there times when you when temptation was as you're going back or temptation because you were tired, or because it's been long or the bad things happen. Like, you know, I've had a long week I've had a terrible side or was it once you look forward that was it? For you?

Mathias John: 31:41

It was for a while is pretty clear. Like, I wasn't close to I don't think I've ever been close to like picking up but there's been moments from my kind of be nice right now.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 31:52

Other sad moments or happy moments, because it seems like it'd be both like it was huge celebration. Yeah, that right? horrible week.

Mathias John: 31:59

It's kind of weird how it works for me was like, the first year I want. I was like, Man, I'm missing out on the celebration thing, right? Yeah. Because the bottom was so fresh. That you still like hate, like I hated alcohol for a year. Yeah, look at what this did to me. Yeah. Right. And so like, I hated it, but eventually that hate fades. And then I've started missing out on like weddings, and like, I thought, like, I'm missing out. But you know, you get more comfortable. And then you don't really like feel that you don't feel like you're missing it. And then it comes randomly that like the sadness part of it. Like if you have like, I had a couple of rough moments, like, you know, some family stuff here and some business stuff there. And it's just like, I felt my, like, not a pull to it. I'm like, Man, I would normally this would have sent me off.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 32:46

It's like a muscle memory, like your natural reaction was

Mathias John: 32:50

that way. And that's what people are feeling. Yeah, but it's also a really good feeling to be able to stop notice that Yeah, okay. We don't, you don't need that. And it's just like, say, Hey, I thought about it today. Like I blogged about it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, this was this was on the radar. And I didn't do it. And this is a testament to the work that I have done. But this is human, I relate a lot of it to like, a relationship that you were in. Because it very much was one in a lot of loss. He experienced loss, grief. And then like, you remember, and eventually get to a point where like, man, yeah, remember the good times? Maybe it wasn't that bad. Yeah. Or that like no. Yeah, so like, you have to like remind yourself, and that's why we go to meetings. Because you are so cute back. It's so effective. And it's like, it's just in there. And if you don't keep track of it, it's gonna pop back in just powerful. Yeah,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 33:40

it's crazy. So you decided to make the challenge. Do the Half Ironman. Yeah. Training six is going I take a tom was doing the local swim because you had a coach in Denver. Was that kind of the way it was

Mathias John: 33:54

posed? I think I got it was afterwards. Yeah, it was

Tom Regal: 33:57

after? Yeah, it

Kenny Bailey<br>: 33:58

was I'm trying to figure out how you can do it because I, I'm a highly visual person. So the idea of trying to swim remotely was just not a non starter for me. I mean, I couldn't do it. So in fact, you did it. Congratulations. So as it's approaching the Chattanooga, how to feel how'd you do? What was a it was what kind of bike did you get? Yeah,

Mathias John: 34:15

it was really cool. I have a Canon I don't have. Wow, I know but it's not a tri bike though. It's a road bike. So it's a really nice road. Bike Yeah, but of course the grass is greener. But

Tom Regal: 34:28

n plus one is it like it's hard. More than Yeah, exactly. It's

Kenny Bailey<br>: 34:32

the same thing. It's like since we're in the studio

Mathias John: 34:34

I know I can't the next house when we get a bigger whenever that happens a bigger house. I'm going to have a tribe like like that. Yeah, we have room for it

Kenny Bailey<br>: 34:42

to happen. They're not bigger than a road bike.

Mathias John: 34:45

I know but I just only have space for like I don't want to trade or takes the same space. I don't want to trade out because I really liked it. Like make that don't get rid of that one. Yeah, I just want you got it.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 34:56

So had the robot. So other three disciplines what was like it sounds like running may have been your most comfortable, right?

Mathias John: 35:02

It was. It is outside of triathlon. So I'm like a pretty good runner if I don't do anything prior to but I, I've learned a lot about my knees and cramping. It gets me pretty much every race that I do. So, I mean, the race was so cool. What I really love about triathlon is a community. It's incredible. And it this is also it kind of helps with sobriety too, is because it's generally a relatively healthy group of people. You can't do these things hungover. You can't put in that effort and like athletic brewing is one of the Ironman sponsors like Yeah, yeah, it's forward that and half the people just don't drink cuz they don't want to or like to they don't they know what it does their body and it's great. So the community is supportive without knowing it's being supportive in that way. Yeah. I also really enjoy that. went to dinner with 10 people at that race. Now one person at a table asked me about my time. Yep. Yeah. How cool is that? Yeah. You know, there's

Kenny Bailey<br>: 35:59

not what was your time? Did

Tom Regal: 36:01

you finish it? Yeah.

Mathias John: 36:01

Did you? Yes, yes. Extra adulation? Yeah,

Tom Regal: 36:04

we're gonna get it done.

Mathias John: 36:05

That is it. The first one. I was so frustrated. First off,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 36:13

you're sitting with the wrong group. There's a first question should have been well,

Tom Regal: 36:18

we need seven other people.

Mathias John: 36:20

Because then it's like Alright, so how do I get make an excuse for the run? They go to make it seem like it would have been better?

Kenny Bailey<br>: 36:28

What were your expectations? Obviously, expectations was to finish but

Mathias John: 36:30

yeah, I honestly the first one I wanted to do like break six hours that was like in my head. But I just cramp off the bike. Like, doesn't matter how hard I'm going, if I'm like, if I'm riding more than 40 miles on a bike. If I get off that thing, doesn't matter, the pace. Something's going on. And I still haven't figured it out. So I cramped on the run. So the my half marathon pace, typically, like the one I did in April, I think I ran like 131 39 or something like that. And so you'd think I'd be able to run a two hour half marathon in a 70.3 ish. Yeah, somewhere around there. But it was like 215 Okay, so I was like, a minute. It was a minute, slower than I would have liked it to be. But it's still a great experience. Yeah, it was so good. Overall, good. Yeah. So I think my first thing that that may was like 615 I think I got somewhere around there. Yeah, I did it again this year, because I just wanted like, I'm just like, I gotta get back there. The run.

Tom Regal: 37:32

I can do this better. Yeah.

Mathias John: 37:34

Better. Turns out I could I could do this one better. And the bike better good. I the exact same run. I shaved 20 minutes off my time. Yeah. And I didn't shave a single second off my that's funny, Ron. Yeah,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 37:46

let's do step six now, so

Mathias John: 37:47

that sounds cool. Down there. But I do like I did that. The Ashland City Trial last year. I heard myself I couldn't get in it this year. Last year, I did it. I really liked that distance. Yeah. So that's a bigger Olympic the Olympic distance. Yeah, that one I really enjoyed. Now, why is

Kenny Bailey<br>: 38:03

that is because the training is easier, or because you just go faster?

Mathias John: 38:07

So it sounds like you like to go faster? Like speed. I think I think I built a little bit more for speed. Yeah. And so

Kenny Bailey<br>: 38:13

when I think because you're hit training, too, right, you're used to kind of fast twitch fast burst, right? So if you were able to burst it. And Olympics a nice distance, because it's long enough where it's gonna You have to respect it.

Tom Regal: 38:23

Just enough to push you it's like the 800 meter

Kenny Bailey<br>: 38:25

run of triathlon. You have to, you know, if you try to do a 400, you can just sprint it you can't sprint any.

Mathias John: 38:31

And it's a short short swim. Yeah. So we like that. Cool. But yeah, I really, I think Olympic is and the trainings. I know, it's, I haven't trained for an Olympic, but I know, well, at least with what I want to be doing for triathlon, which is not competitive. I think the difference between training for a 7.3 and Olympic is going to be a deal breaker for me moving forward with linear

Kenny Bailey<br>: 38:58

time, how

Mathias John: 38:59

much time do I have? It would be

Tom Regal: 39:01

to life better for shorter distances fit into so you can keep doing it without having to like set your life aside,

Mathias John: 39:08

when we had coffee as I just want to be good enough shape? Yeah, that I could jump into Olympic distance at any. And that's kind of what I'm finding that sweet pocket.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 39:16

Yeah, and I think that's, you know, there's a term I want to try to trot out which is, you know, find your distance right, which is, if your distance is Olympic or sprint, because you love the idea of going fast or you love the idea of I want to be fit and be able to do that without having to seven months of training or you know what, I love the idea of long distance training because I need that kind of thing because that's what you know, just fine whatever distance and sounds like you know, Olympic may be that that perfect distance between fulfilling that speed thing that you want to do. Plus, you know, like you said, the time element that you're not spending every weekend, you know, Oh, guess what, I'm gonna go run and buy today. Yeah.

Mathias John: 39:53

And just have friends. Have you ever had friends over long distances?

Kenny Bailey<br>: 39:57

So what did you What did you learn from your Soph when you when you got done, I mean, when you look back on that first half Ironman that you did, man, what do you think? Did it was a confidence was it?

Mathias John: 40:08

I think there is. I think there was confidence at some from it. I think it was just so it was like a full circle moment for especially Chattanooga specifically. So they'll see the 2021 was April 9 2021 was bottom and we me and my wife had a trip to Chattanooga plan the following weekend. Jet we didn't know this wasn't a last minute thing. Like we had just some fun hikes and stuff. And then I did that. And we went anyway because we're like, we moved to clear heads, let's do some hiking. And so Chattanooga was kind of a full circle moment. It was almost like a year of sobriety like celebration, right? So there was more than just a triathlon to me at that time. Yeah. So the first one was like, it was so emotional. I think I cried like five times on of course. You know, like, I got on the bike, I put my helmet on. I'm just like, in tears. I'm like, This is so bizarre, but it's just like, I'm so happy that I can do this. Like, that's that. That was gratitude at its purest was riding on that. And it's a gorgeous bike. Yeah, so like that bike ride was beautiful. And then like on the run, even though I was struggling, but it's still just like, you can do this. What have you done the past year? Yeah, you know, you've literally we're like, we're a shell of a man. And now all of a sudden, you're like you're crossing a finish line. That's something that is a very difficult thing to do. So definitely, you know, there's confidence that drew from it. And just the appreciation of life and just a very big way.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 41:35

Was your wife there at the finish line? That's gonna be awesome, too.

Mathias John: 41:37

That was amazing. Yeah,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 41:38

my wife's not allowed. She's betyetu. Every time she shows up, I get in a wreck. So she's not allowed to smell like, can I go? I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, I want to finish it. I've got Yeah, I had two major bike wrecks, and she was at both races. So I'm like, No, you no longer get out. He probably doesn't want to go. She doesn't want to.

Tom Regal: 41:55

So how was it? When you went back to do it again? Yeah, same sense of gratitude. Same Spencer, it's so it's a special place for you at this point?

Mathias John: 42:02

I think so. And I think that, you know, there's a good chance at jumping in next year and without, without expectations, and that's another thing is like triathlon will teach you, you have to roll with whatever is out there. Because it was, it was an interesting thing with sobriety. And I know a lot of people are trying to be respectful. When they say this, like, is it okay, if I drink around you or you want to go there? Is this okay? And like, you know, there's a, there's a period where that is important for people to like, make sure that you're stable, before you go back into the wild in some ways. Yeah. And so like, that was, that's a big part of, you know, the triathlon thing is like, alright, well, where am I comfortable with? Like, how is this gonna, like, relate? And we're, you know, is it something that I'm going to be comfortable with? Or is it something that, um, you know, it's gonna be a one time thing like, Oh, that's not going to be for me. And so like, it kind of just, I think I'll just jump in it just because it feels, you know, safe and there's no expectations of, you know, what's going to happen? Or I can just go out and do it. Yeah. You know, just make sure and not care about my time. Yeah. Yeah, that's a way to enjoy these things, you know, instead of being so specifically focused and like, Don't try that or don't try that, like, no, just go for it. Yeah. And kind of because I have cramped both times I've been, like the same exact run, and it's not a very fun run.

Tom Regal: 43:18

Oh, not when you're traveling, where it's it's a challenging, I know. And then and then cramp on top of that. It's just yeah, not great.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 43:26

But in to your point. I mean, the weather, you know, the environments gonna give you what it's gonna give you. Yeah, you may be, you know, I did California and I, you know, I was, thought I was going to crush the bike and then a 40 mile an hour headwind said, No, you're not. And you're like, what do you do you shrug and just go with what you go with? Right?

Mathias John: 43:42

Yeah, that's a good point. Like water is choppy. It's like, well,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 43:45

you can't you can't control that.

Mathias John: 43:47

So so prepared. Yeah. And you can't control it. And this like we've talked about stoicism. Like that's a big part of it and like stoicism started my entire journey of journaling. Like I've started journaling, like in 2017 every morning. And so that, that's been the foundation of my morning routine. And that's what triathlon fit into that morning routine, because I get up per journal. I know what I'm going to do next. Yeah, this is

Tom Regal: 44:10

got scheduled scheduled that Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. need that.

Mathias John: 44:14

Yeah. And then like focusing on what what can you control what you can't, if you go into triathlons, and you're gonna control Yeah, what happened? Not race? No, you're adapting.

Tom Regal: 44:22

Yeah. Yeah, that's what it is. That's how you adjust and how you adapt to what's thrown at you that day. Yeah, you read the you read the social media posts in the groups where everyone's freaking out about everything was like, Well, you got to have a plan A, A, plan B, plan C, Plan D, and then you got to be a little MacGyver and figure it out on your own. You got to have a fuckup plan. You know, it's like I'm just gonna get it done.

Mathias John: 44:45

I just I'm game plans gone.

Tom Regal: 44:49

Now you just make it up as you go. Yeah. Figuring out how you get to the finish. The whole goal is getting to the finish. Yeah.

Mathias John: 44:55

And that that was probably the parallel I was trying to I was struggling connecting those dots when You helped me out there. And it was just like one of those. That's that's a lot of what sobriety is, is like, you don't know what's going to be thrown at you. And you can't control what it feels. And you just have to find your way through it on some different level. And like, that's the first step. Yeah, I can't control I do not have control. Yeah, that is step one. And so like that mindset, like you've already if you've taken that shift in your life, and you're like, Alright, I need to be sober now. So first thing you do is I cannot control this substance. So it cannot be a part of yeah, you have to, you can't control and like the in training, triathlon, you control as much as you can, because you're either on a train or, like you're writing, you're doing sprints around a track, that's, you got that under control, but race is like, No, you don't control.

Tom Regal: 45:45

And that's where the stoicism comes in. I think I think a lot as a philosophy, it's not about numbing your feelings, it's about addressing your feelings. It's about recognizing it, I always say you put a name on it, and then you can actually deal with it. Right. And once you once you address it, say it out loud, I have this, this is how I'm feeling. Why am I feeling this way? How can I make that a positive feeling instead of a negative feeling? And that helps tremendously in endurance sports. And I'm sure with your recovery as well, that's kind of fit into that into that mold with that, which and I think the journaling is what fascinated me the most because your book is your journal. Right? This is this is the raw, highest form of a book out there that you wrote with your therapist, as well, you said had some notes on it. And yeah, it's you've been sharing this on social media. So I've gotten a little bits and pieces, I have your book. Now I'm looking forward to diving in a little bit deeper. But it's, this is a special book. I mean, this is something that you don't see every day, you get the story of how you remember things, but you were writing it down. So your memory was a little bit more, you were able to bring that forefront a little more real. You didn't hide any of it. It's not like you rewrote your memory. You wrote down your journal, it's here. It's there. It's raw air. Yes. It's all in that. Yeah. Never had sense. And that's, that's fantastic. I mean, that's, that's something that I think everyone should should take a look at. Yeah, because it certainly helps in other parts of life. And and the journaling is something that I'm a little jealous of, because I haven't been able to get that point yet. I really do want to journal. And we've talked about that. That's something I'm working on his goal in mind to be able to journal every day and kind of get through that. I think that helps us as athletes as as spouses, as humans, in general, to be able to be more upfront with ourselves of what we who we really are, as opposed to what we want to be or what we think we are selling. I agree.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 47:35

So when was the nugget that you decided to take something intimate, like a journal and decide to publish it was a yeah, you and your therapist kind of came to that conclusion together. It was

Mathias John: 47:46

something I did first. So part of my journal process, like pre recovery is, when I finished the journal, I go back through and I read. So journals for me, I use the same five, eight moleskin, it normally covers three to four months, daily, for me, depending on the season of life. And so that means every quarter, every third of the year, I'm going back and reading through what I was writing in the morning. And so as part of the getting sober process, I wanted to go all the way back. I mean, not just like the previous, I want to see yours. What, I don't want to repeat this. So let's study the past. Let's figure out how to jump ahead of potentially anything that got in the way. And so I've what I found was so much of just lies and manipulation. And just it was really hard to read some of it. Like I'm sure sitting there like playing the victim. Nobody loves me like the world's against me. Yeah, these expectations for me are just astronomical. Like, I can't be that kind of man kind of thing. Yeah. And so I started reading that I'm like, I would write on what I read. So this was just for me, it all started with just like an exploration of sobriety and like sure exercise and sobriety was the whole genesis of this thing. And then I started thinking, I think someone could potentially pick this thing up and read it and get something out of it. Like a shared story or someone maybe that isn't necessarily consider yourself an addict yet, but maybe they're on that route. And maybe they feel some of these things. And maybe I can get this and think differently. So I presented it to my therapist, not just like, Hey, would you do this? I'm like, I want to write this book. I would love for you to read the foreword, because you know me, outside of my wife, you know me better than anybody else. Yeah, absolutely do. Yeah. And so she's like, that's a great idea. And then a month later, she's and I was like, I'd come to sessions, and I'd come to sessions with my journal. Yeah. And I just read her, I'd highlight and be like, This is what I was struggling with last couple of weeks or something like that was kind of part of our process and therapy. And eventually she's like, well, I could pull session notes, and I could show what you were saying to me. In addition to what you were saying to your journal So there's like three voices in this thing. There's addict Matt Mathias, there's recovery with ice. And then there's Ashley Boyd, who's my therapist. And so that's, that's kind of the cadence of it is a journal entry. Me analyzing what I was feeling there. And then she'd comes in and out based on where the timeline was with sessions and would say, okay, Matt just wrote about his Bender that he went on. And he didn't mention alcohol in a session at all didn't come up. Yeah. And so she would analyze my analyzation. And yeah, it gives us clinical weight to the whole thing. And I didn't know where it was going to go. It was just something I wanted to do. And then eventually, one of my friends connected me with somebody who was going to seven day detox for alcohol. And I just printed him my rough draft of it. It was before Ashley's writing was just mine. And so I looked like a film script. Because yeah, it was like, boom, there. Yeah. Because they can't bring phones. Yeah. And do anything. This is it. And he called me after he got out. And it was four days of medically supervised detox. So I don't know where you are. medication. Stay five, he started get a clear head. Yeah, he read the whole thing in day six, and seven. And call me We talked for like an hour. And he was just like, this book changed the way I looked at myself. It made me want to become a better man. It made me want to walk a straighter path, like you put into words stuff. I was feeling for five years that I had no idea I was failing until I read this book. And so with that type of response, I mean, it was the most emotional time one of the most most conversations I've ever had. And so that response to me was like, now I need to take this a little more seriously, like, let's put it together. Let's get it edited. Let's like, do it right. All right, yeah. And so that was in January of this year. So I started writing the book on my one year sobriety date. So April of 22, is when I started writing in, and then I wrote it all with Ashley in a year. And then it took four and a half months to put it together, get it professionally edited, design, work, all that kind of stuff. And then it came out like two weeks ago. So it is available now. Go on Amazon and the title. The title is not good. The title is not yet too far gone. Yeah. Got it. So it's the only not yet too far gone.

Tom Regal: 52:17

You're fine on Amazon Kindle paperback. Self publishing, self publishing.

Mathias John: 52:21

Did it myself is awesome. Yeah.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 52:23

Hanging on the movie rights. Yeah,

Mathias John: 52:24

I got I still got rights. So.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 52:27

But there's who would want to watch that movie? Well, I have to go back to this because it's the part that's fascinated me the most is internal. You knew you had a problem. Yeah. And then it took an external factor your wife catching you to finally say out loud. I have a problem. Yeah, right. car wreck. I have. Okay, now now Shit just got real real. Now I got a problem. Right? Yeah. And so it's, and you have these private notes, these notes that are your most intimate you? And then you decided to feel like that was sort of that last phase for you to be able to go not only to can you announce that you have a problem, but you know, I'm going to share that intimate gut level just journey of that problem that that must have been a freeing sort of is frightening and freeing. I guess at the same time, I mean, you drop this thing down and go, Yeah, holy shit, this is me. This is me. This is no longer but it's not just because you've been lying to the version. Right? I've been lying to you lying to yourself. And so what you've done is you said, I've been lying to myself. I've been lying to the world. Yeah, this is the truth. Now. I mean, that has got to be both freeing and frightening, I guess would be I think

Mathias John: 53:41

it's still in the freeing phase. Okay. Nothing has been frightening yet. And I don't I'm not sure if I'll ever get there. Like I think I think there'll be some interesting moments when someone starts to ask me about something that went through my life and I've ever met them. Yeah, that'll happen. At some point. We're like, hey,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 53:58

luck to wife.

Mathias John: 53:59

Yeah. What's your name? Yeah, that may be frightening on some level at some point,

Kenny Bailey<br>: 54:04

but you didn't feel that sense of really? Yeah. Cuz to me, I was like,

Mathias John: 54:07

I needed I needed courage, right? I had something to say. The freedom came when the book came out. And the best way of explaining it is that I felt like I finally won the war. Right. So like, I the alcohol won so many battles. So so many battles, and the only way to not have it when the wars to disengage, right and just not fight the war. And so and then, once I was writing this, I got I mean, it was all I was so I don't want to say obsessed, but I probably attacked it alcoholic, like it was just there was no moderation. There was like, This is what I need to say. And let's do it and then but discipline helped with that. Because I knew when I was going to write it and I was up at 5am Every day writing for an hour. Yeah. And so there wasn't a lot of do I want to say this the only time that came about was when I would give my wife each chapter after I finish it. I'm like there's anything in here. You don't want anyone else to know, let me know. Yeah. And she's she just being a therapist in the in the mental health world. And she's obviously a firsthand witness of what sobriety can do to a person because I, I've always been there. But now I'm like a different version of me. Like, it's weird going from like, I realize you can be, instead of being a high functioning alcoholic, I can just be high functioning, and just like, do a lot of cool things. Yeah. Sweet. And so she just has so saw what that had done to me that she's like, I don't want you to hold anything back. Sure. The whole point of this thing is openness. be raw, be vulnerable, and just present it and be like, I hope this helps somebody. And we both agree like if this helps one person. Totally worth it. And it already has, because when I'm still here, oh, yeah, yeah. Helped me well, as well. She She's like the like hidden star this book, like, therapists list or will read it. And they'll be like, Wow, she isn't a mate. And I know, I know. She's an amazing

Tom Regal: 56:02

all the world knows. Everybody else.

Mathias John: 56:05

But not I mean, her yes, very much specifically. But anyone that's loved anyone through addiction deserves that type of credit to her. Because it's so hard to do. And that was hard. The hardest part of the book was reliving those days through her eyes. Yeah. Because I had now I'm where she was basically reading what I was doing what I was feeling. I'm like, I had no idea what I was putting her through because you you're so focused on yourself, like alcohol, who technically are tend to be rather self centered individuals, because we always think we're not hurting anybody else. We're just hurting ourselves. Yeah. So far from the truth. Yeah. So I never thought, you know, it was never scary to me to put this out. Because I just truly believe that it's going to help so many people that whatever it might throw on me, yeah. I don't care what people think about you. Because doesn't matter doesn't matter. Yeah, just bring it out. That's fine. Like you have your own opinions. Okay.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 56:57

So you've got the book out. It sounds like from a personality standpoint, right? You took those idle hands make devil's work, right. So you took that alcoholic sort of tendency that that kind of angst? Yeah, pointed it towards triathlon pointed towards a book. Books done. Sounds like triathlons done. How do you work from a next step standpoint? How do you? Do you intentionally know you have to keep yourself busy? Or is that? Is that a conscious thing? Or are you itching for the next sort of? You know, I need a milestone I figured out but I can't just work out to work out. I need to have a workout to a goal. Okay. Yeah. I think a lot of people do. Yeah, I don't know. I do the blessing, honestly.

Tom Regal: 57:43

Maybe not to his level. He really needs it. Yeah. I can't really hear the crap out of it.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 57:48

Yeah, I tell Tom, I need I need a goal that scares the shit out of me. Yeah. gets me up in the morning. If it doesn't slightly scare me, then. Then, you know, yeah. It's like why

Mathias John: 57:58

I get that? I, you know, I'm not sure right now, I I don't think I consciously do. I don't think like I don't sit around I need this, this there. But I think I will generate something to do like the, the book now that it I mean, it's out. I still want a publisher to pick it up. I can self publish. But I know that the reach will be much, much richer. And I also like, there's visuals that I did not do with the self published version. I and there's some there was some intention with that with holding some stuff back. Because I think if a publisher eventually wants to pick it up, we have a lot of room to grow. And there's a lot of things that can come in a second edition that I didn't include on purpose. So like actual journal entries, like, like, scan them in there, like real strong. Yeah, you could see the main thing or the journal or the books out, but I think now is kind of almost the harder part. Because now I gotta like let people know about it. Really difficult. So much noise everywhere. Oh, yeah. That sounds like how do we get to the right hands. And that's right now and like I'm calling my outreach program. So every book that and I realized I want to do a one for one every book purchase, I'm going to send a book to Recovery Center. So I have a spreadsheet. I know who I want to reach it all across the states. This is not a Tennessee thing. I'm going to I should one over the weekend in Orange County. Like just through a friend knew somebody. And so originally, I was gonna do one for one by one book published or published one book purchased send a book, like I use my royalty to print $1 cost and shipping shipping is more expensive than I thought. It's gonna be more like a three to one. Especially at the westco thanks, FedEx. Yeah, so it'll be Yeah, and I'll still make it work. But it's basically like, the more the books sell more out. And so the outreach thing that's where my focus is now is all right, I'm going to find which centers in which directors of the center to get it to go. So that's kind of like you can call it seed marketing on some level if you want to because it just like put it out there. But again, like we, if the point was to sell this thing I would have done a six month marketing plan and hired like a firm and like did a big thing. But that's not really the point. The point is like to help people and to get in the right hands and like the marketing aspect of things would go to probably a bunch of people that not necessarily are struggling or need it. But I know myself, I read 30 or 40 books on alcoholism and what it does to your body and memoirs. I tried to read my way out. Yeah. So you can't,

Tom Regal: 1:00:27

by the way, yeah, you can't do that. But

Mathias John: 1:00:29

I did realize when I started writing that this was a book I wish I had. And that that really opened my mind up to wanting to get out. Because if I wish I had it. Somebody else wishes they had it, too. Yeah. And it wasn't like, I wish I had it before. I said, I'm an alcoholic. Like, I wish I had it. As I was starting to like think about is this an issue? What's going on? Or other people struggling with it? Yeah. Because most of the memoirs you see out there are spectacular bottoms. I mean, like rock stars, right? Yeah. Flipping hotel rooms. Yeah, you have 10 times you just throw more money at it and everything eventually works out. Most that is not the typical. Normal, right. So that's what I wanted to present was I wanted to write a book that was more conversational, it's not clinical by any stretch. There's definitely clinical aspects of it, but doesn't read like that. That reads like we're having a conversation. And I want it to be relatable where I have a couple of people you know, texting me and calling me that have are not addicts at all, but they just like something I wrote like, man that made me think of my relationship. My wife different. Thanks for that.

Tom Regal: 1:01:34

I think so. Yeah, for sure. And that's what I've gotten out of it. The excerpts that you've had on on Instagram and stuff. That's what I'm saying is that it's it's more than just targeting towards alcoholism. I think it's you know, seeing yourself as a as a different person. Yeah. Come on. Thank you.

Kenny Bailey<br>: 1:01:49

That's a goal. Excited make sure people go get it.

Tom Regal: 1:01:53

Yeah, we'll put the link on the on the show notes. For sure. We'll have that. And Matthias. Thank you so much. Thank you guys. It's been a great conversation. We've been talking about it for a little bit having you on so I'm glad that we could actually do this and make it happen. Everybody Comments, questions? Keep them coming. Let us know what you want five stars. Thumbs up all that good stuff. Oh, stuff, please. Yeah, definitely. If you got questions or comments, send it to him. You know, you can get us on Instagram and Facebook, all that good stuff. So we appreciate your time. Yeah, appreciate you guys and everything. We can catch you on the next one.